ASK AN ANCIENT!

As told to Shelby Rogers and Abby Scoggins

TODAY’S GUEST COLUMNISTS:

ALEXANDER HAMILTON, WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, JULIUS CAESAR

Alexander Hamilton, a-writin'

This girl in my class thinks that she is so smart and knows everything. How could I perhaps humble her? –Goody Two-Shoes

Honored Madam, 

If I am to understand your quandary, you wish to humble someone due to their vast knowledge of a subject you are being taught. What sort of goal does this achieve rather than discouraging another from learning and fully understanding the subject matter? I wonder more on the subject of why you feel the need to ‘humble’ such a person. Is it simply that maybe you are jealous, dear girl, or is it merely the failing to grasp the intricacies of what you are being taught? Clearly, this young madam you wish to humble, is far more capable in this subject, and your petty jealousy has clouded your ability to think deeply about why such humbling would be necessary, let alone helpful. If the young madam knows the subject and isn’t simply spouting dishonesties, then maybe you should strive to be an equal in her vast knowledge rather than a jealous crow wishing to feast on her spoils. If you truly wish to humble someone far more intelligent than you, then strive to understand what you’re being taught so that maybe you can match her wit for wit. Then perhaps you can humble yourself as well.

Honorably, A. Ham. 

Wm. Shakespeare, the erstwhile GOAT

Me and this guy have been friends for years but last night I had a dream about him and I think I may have feelings for him. What are your thoughts? --Sleeping Beauty 

Thy mirrorself oft tell the truth my dearest

To feel the tug of tenderness abound 

Is but the beating heart that lies the nearest

But does thou wish to wear the crown? 

Is it worth the strife of passion

That wounds the very bridges thy builds 

To take the steps that often fasten 

Another’s lungs to one’s own gills?

Do not wound thy heart for another

For a sword is a mighty tool 

That oft drives blood to blooded brother

Although many play the fool

Thou must wonder if the lance does wound 

or if the heart is but another tool.

–Wm. Shakespeare

Caesar, with de rigueur haircut

My roommate does not understand boundaries and can't seem to grasp the fact that I don't always want her around. Help! — Borderline Bonkers

Caesar remembers Pridie Kalendas Octobres and the Siege of Alesia. A direct assault on the Gauls had no longer been a viable option after a failed assault on the city of Gergovia. Gergovia had once been the capital of the Averni, its impenetrable walls a formidable foe that had diverted any and all attempts for a direct assault, that didn’t stop Caesar who attempted one only for it to end in folly. That is why a direct assault on Alesia would not be tolerated so a siege was set in motion. Caesar remembers the siege: how the Roman infantry had constructed two lines, one that prevented any form of relief front and one that prevented the sitting Gauls from advancing. Caesar knew starving out the enemy was the only way to victory and after the battlements were set he held against the Gallic forces and eventually won. Caesar remembers the way he felt after he knew he’d won when Vercingetorix had presented himself in surrender. It was glorious and deadly and Caesar recommends when you have taken what you need from your enemy that you subjugate them so that when civil war breaks in the Roman Empire the Gauls do not sway under it. 

Yours, Julius Caesar